{"title":"Home page","description":null,"products":[{"product_id":"fresh-taint","title":"Fresh Taint","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 5px 5px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Minty · Zesty · Fresh \n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\n\u003cp\u003eYou’re out for your daily run through the neighborhood park, your earbuds blasting Britney Spears 'Baby One More Time' to keep your pace steady. The evening sun is just starting to set, casting a warm, golden glow over everything. As you round the bend, you catch sight of a freshly laid concrete path cutting through the park, still cordoned off with bright orange cones. The sign reads \"Caution: Wet Cement,\" but the smooth, pristine surface is too tempting to resist. Like a moth to a flame, you’re drawn in, your sneakers leaving perfect, crisp footprints behind.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou can’t help but revel in the sensation of the wet concrete underfoot, the cool, smooth texture seeping through the thin soles of your shoes. A mischievous grin spreads across your face as you imagine the path becoming a part of the park’s history, your footprints immortalized. Then, out of nowhere, you hear a loud whistle. Startled, you look up to see the park's groundskeeper—a burly man with a bushy mustache and a no-nonsense demeanor—marching toward you, waving his arms frantically.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePanic sets in as you realize you’ve been caught. In a rush to escape, you take a step back, but your foot lands on a particularly slick patch of cement. You lose your balance and fall flat on your backside, your taint landing squarely in the fresh concrete with a wet \u003cem\u003esplat\u003c\/em\u003e. The groundskeeper reaches you just in time to help you up, his stern expression softening into a bemused smirk as he looks at the mess you’ve made. With a resigned sigh, he offers you a hand, a bar of soap and a wet washcloth. As you gingerly clean yourself off, you can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all, knowing that somewhere in that park, a piece of you—your fresh taint print—will forever remain.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eDescription:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a bar of soap. Its rectangular. There's none of that stupid textured top bullshit. You use it to clean yourself you disgusting shit-heel. It weighs about 4.1 ounces, it's like 2.25 inches tall, 3.5 inches wide, and 1 inch thick. It's a lot bigger than your tiny little cock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Avocado oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFrench Green Clay, White Kaolin Clay\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oils: Peppermint, Lime\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp align=\"center\"\u003e\u003ci\u003eAll Acceptable Soap bars are made using the cold-process method. Lye is used in saponification — it is fully consumed in the reaction. \u003cbr\u003eYou're not rubbing harmful chemicals on your body. \u003cbr\u003eRelax.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n  \u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Lime | Mint","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":43435861082169,"sku":"","price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/FRESH-TAINT-FRONT_c8669188-e9c4-40aa-920f-0db0296dae14.jpg?v=1764220316"},{"product_id":"coffee-enema","title":"Coffee Enema","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 5px 5px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Rich · Warm · Coffee \n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\n\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYou're sitting in your dingy apartment, staring at your mirror with a resolute look on your face. You've heard about the latest wellness craze: the Coffee Enema. You've never been one for health fads, but the idea of shooting coffee up your ass intrigued you. You're hoping it's going to detox your body and maybe give you a caffeine high like no other.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYou prepare the brew, making sure it's extra strong. You pour it into a bulb syringe, and as you assume the position on your bathroom floor, you can't help but think how crazy this is. You push the tip in, feeling the warm liquid rush into your rectum. The sensation is surprisingly not terrible. You start to think this might actually be working.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThen it hits you. The rumble. A violent, uncontrollable need to expel. You barely make it to the toilet as you explode with what feels like the force of a thousand double espressos. The scene is pure chaos: coffee everywhere, your bathroom looks like a crime scene. But as you catch your breath, you feel oddly invigorated. You realize you're now addicted to this bizarre ritual. You know you'll be back.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eDescription:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a bar of soap. Its rectangular. This one's brown. There's none of that stupid textured top bullshit. You use it to clean yourself you disgusting shit-heel. It weighs about 4.1 ounces, it's like 2.25 inches tall, 3.5 inches wide, and 1 inch thick. It's a lot bigger than your tiny little cock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Avocado oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUsed espresso grounds, White Kaolin Clay\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oils: Cinnamon, Vanilla\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp align=\"center\"\u003e\u003ci\u003eAll Acceptable Soap bars are made using the cold-process method. Lye is used in saponification — it is fully cons\u003cbr\u003eumed in the reaction. \u003cbr\u003eYou're not rubbing harmful chemicals on your body. \u003cbr\u003eRelax.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n  \u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Vanilla | Cinnamon","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":43496033452089,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/COFFEE-ENEMA-FRONT.jpg?v=1764136304"},{"product_id":"sandy-handy","title":"Sandy Handy","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 5px 5px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Bright · Medicinal · Herbacious \n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eIt was a scorching summer day at the beach, and the sun was relentless. You'd spent hours swimming and lounging, but now, you were nestled in the dunes with your girlfriend, Candace. The salty breeze and the rhythmic sound of the waves provided the perfect backdrop for a spontaneous moment. Things were heating up, and her soft, teasing touches soon turned more deliberate, sending jolts of excitement through you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAs Candace's hand moved downwards, the gritty reality of the beach became painfully clear. The mix of sunscreen, sweat, and sand made for an unexpectedly rough experience. Despite the discomfort, there was something undeniably thrilling about the raw, untamed nature of it all. Every touch was a blend of pleasure and skin eviscerating pain, making the moment unforgettable in its own right.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou tried to stay focused, but the abrasive sensation lessened with each stroke, pulling you out of the moment. Candace, ever the problem solver, realized the predicament and laughed it off, applying fresh sand to her hand. The two of you shared a knowing look, the kind that says, \"Well, that was an experience.\" As the sun dipped below the horizon, you both laughed and promised to incorporate more sticky and sandy encounters in the future, but the memory of that day remained, a testament to your adventurous spirit.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eDescription:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a bar of soap. Its rectangular. This one's a bit yellow\/orange. There's none of that stupid textured top bullshit. You use it to clean yourself you disgusting shit-heel. It weighs about 4.1 ounces, it's like 2.25 inches tall, 3.5 inches wide, and 1 inch thick. It's a lot bigger than your tiny little cock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Avocado oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGround Pumice, Sea Buckthorn Oil, Kaolin Clay\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oil: Tangerine\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp align=\"center\"\u003e\u003ci\u003eAll Acceptable Soap bars are made using the cold-process method. Lye is used in saponification — it is fully cons\u003cbr\u003eumed in the reaction. \u003cbr\u003eYou're not rubbing harmful chemicals on your body. \u003cbr\u003eRelax.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n  \u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Tangerine | Ground Pumice","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":43496049573945,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/SANDY-HANDY-FRONT.jpg?v=1764296516"},{"product_id":"drunk-uncle","title":"Drunk Uncle","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 5px 5px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Rootbeer · Sweet · Herbacious \n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eIt’s Thanksgiving, and your uncle is already causing a scene. He stumbles into the living room, clutching a bottle of cheap whiskey, slurring some half-baked story about his glory days in college. His breath reeks of booze and regret, and you can see the familiar look of exasperation on your mom’s face as she tries to keep the peace. He’s already spilled gravy on the carpet and knocked over the vase of plastic flowers your grandma insists on displaying every year.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAs dinner progresses, he gets louder, his anecdotes more outrageous and less coherent. He challenges your cousin to a drinking contest, despite everyone knowing how poorly it went last year. The night culminates with him stripping down to his boxers and jumping into the backyard pool, shouting about how he’s “living his best life.” The family collectively cringes, but it wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without your Drunk Uncle’s inevitable meltdown. You’d all laugh about it later, but for now, you just hope he doesn’t catch pneumonia.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eDescription:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a bar of soap. Its rectangular. This one is kinda tan colored. There's none of that stupid textured top bullshit. You use it to clean yourself you disgusting shit-heel. It weighs about 4.1 ounces, it's like 2.25 inches tall, 3.5 inches wide, and 1 inch thick. It's a lot bigger than your tiny little cock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Avocado oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBeer, White Kaolin Clay\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oils: Wintergreen, Sweet Birch, Petitgrain, Camphor, Peppermint\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp align=\"center\"\u003e\u003ci\u003eAll Acceptable Soap bars are made using the cold-process method. Lye is used in saponification — it is fully consumed in the reaction.\u003cbr\u003e You're not rubbing harmful chemicals on your body. \u003cbr\u003eRelax.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n  \u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Wintergreen | Sweet Birch","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":43580294856761,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/DRUNK-UNCLE-FRONT.jpg?v=1764263028"},{"product_id":"blue-balls","title":"Blue Balls","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 5px 5px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Bright · Medicinal · Herbacious \n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cp class=\"MsoNormal\"\u003eYou’re sitting in your senior year college physics class. It’s late spring and the school’s air conditioning has gone down, your over-weight teacher wipes sweat from his brow with a handkerchief he always has on him while he prattles on about the theory of relativity, you’re not quite sure exactly what he’s saying as you’re too busy staring out of the corner of your eye at the girl the next desk over. Her name is Crystal, a buxom blonde at the peak of her sexuality, her heaving milkers push taught against the bra that’s probably one size too small. A single bead of sweat rolls down her neck towards the crest of her cleavage which is juuuust barely peaking out the top of her V-neck Nirvana t-shirt.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"MsoNormal\"\u003eSlowly but surely blood is rushing downwards and suddenly you notice your jeans are getting tight. You begin to panic that you’re about to be exposed for having a hardon in the middle of class, but in your carelessness the pen you’ve been pretending to use falls to the floor. In a brilliant case of genius, you use the opportunity of the distraction of recovering the pen to discretely adjust your now raging hard cock and slip it under your belt, which as you sit back in your chair perfectly contains the beast. Crystal looks over at the noise and giggles slightly at your predicament, she then adjusts a whisp of blonde hair behind her ear and her fingers slowly trace down her neck and she ever so slightly tugs the neck of her shirt down exposing just a hint more cleavage. In that moment you look up at her face and she’s looking back at you with a sly smile, you lock eyes for a second and quickly look away red faced and humiliated, your throbbing cock now painfully straining against your belt. Now your balls begin to ache, desperate for release as a back log of baby batter quickly forms.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eDescription:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a bar of soap. Its rectangular. This one's light blue. There's none of that stupid textured top bullshit. You use it to clean yourself you disgusting shit-heel. It weighs about 4.1 ounces, it's like 2.25 inches tall, 3.5 inches wide, and 1 inch thick. It's a lot bigger than your tiny little cock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Avocado oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIndigo, White Kaolin Clay\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oils: Palmarosa, Ylang Ylang, Geranium\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp align=\"center\"\u003e\u003ci\u003eAll Acceptable Soap bars are made using the cold-process method. Lye is used in saponification — it is fully cons\u003cbr\u003eumed in the reaction. You're not rubbing harmful chemicals on your body. \u003cbr\u003eRelax.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n  \u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Palmarosa | Ylang Ylang","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":43580300165177,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/BLUE-BALLS-FRONT.jpg?v=1764221791"},{"product_id":"the-citorus","title":"The Citorus","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 5px 5px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"display: flex; gap: 10px; flex-wrap: wrap;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv align=\"center\" class=\"fast-facts\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"color: var(--accent); font-size: 11px; letter-spacing: 0.08em; margin-bottom: 3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\nCold-process\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv align=\"center\" class=\"fast-facts\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"color: var(--accent); font-size: 11px; letter-spacing: 0.08em; margin-bottom: 3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n~110g\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv align=\"center\" class=\"fast-facts\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"color: var(--accent); font-size: 11px; letter-spacing: 0.08em; margin-bottom: 3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\nBright · Citrusy · Zesty\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv align=\"center\" class=\"fast-facts\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"color: var(--accent); font-size: 11px; letter-spacing: 0.08em; margin-bottom: 3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\nBody · Hands · External only\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDeep within the ancient labia-rinth, whispers spoke of a mythical bulb, The Citorus, said to grant boundless vitality and hidden within the maze's treacherous folds. The labia-rinth, an endless tangle of twisting passages and shifting walls, was a challenge few dared to face. Its secrets were guarded by shadows and the eerie silence of forgotten corridors.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eArmed with only a dim lantern and unwavering determination, a young seeker named Alaric ventured forth, each step was a battle against disorientation and dread but the promise of the Citorus drove him forward. He navigated the winding paths, guided by faint citrus scents that teased his senses and kept hope alive. The maze seemed to pulse with life, almost as if it were aware of his quest.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAt last, in the heart of the labia-rinth, Alaric stumbled upon a hidden grove. There, bathed in ethereal light, hung the fabled Citorus, its golden glow illuminating the dark surroundings. Reverently, he plucked the bulb and felt an immediate surge of energy coursing through him. The journey had been perilous, but the reward was beyond imagination. With the Citorus in hand, Alaric retraced his steps, knowing he had uncovered not just a legend but a source of profound renewal.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eDescription:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a bar of soap. Its rectangular. This one's orange. There's none of that stupid textured top bullshit. You use it to clean yourself you disgusting shit-heel. It weighs about 4.1 ounces, it's like 2.25 inches tall, 3.5 inches wide, and 1 inch thick. \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a lot bigger than your tiny little cock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Avocado oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnnatto Powder, Kaolin Clay\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oils: Sweet Orange, Lemon, Grapefruit, Tangerine, Mandarin\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eAll Acceptable Soap bars are made using the cold-process method. Lye is used in saponification — it is fully consumed in the reaction. You're not rubbing harmful chemicals on your body. Relax.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n  \u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Orange | Lemon","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":43592163917881,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/THE-CITORUS-FRONT.jpg?v=1764213320"},{"product_id":"bbc","title":"BBC","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 5px 5px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Bright · Medicinal · Herbacious \n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\n\n\u003cp\u003eThe legends spoke of a force so powerful it could shake the very foundations of reality: the BBC. Forged in the heart of the cosmos, its influence was unparalleled, a symbol of both awe and dread. Many had sought its elusive presence, drawn by tales of its immense strength and mythical status.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn the deepest corners of the universe, an explorer named Orion embarked on a quest to witness this power firsthand. Through alien landscapes and perilous trials, he journeyed, guided by whispers and ancient texts. As he ventured deeper, he could feel the air thickening with anticipation, each step echoing with the promise of discovery.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFinally, in the heart of a forgotten galaxy, Orion stood before the source. The BBC, a colossal entity of raw energy and grandeur, radiated an aura that left him breathless. The sheer magnitude of its power was beyond comprehension, a testament to the legends that had drawn him here. In that moment, Orion understood the true meaning of awe, forever changed by the encounter with the cosmic force known only as the BBC.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eDescription:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a bar of soap. Its rectangular. This one's black. There's none of that stupid textured top bullshit. You use it to clean yourself you disgusting shit-heel. It weighs about 4.1 ounces, it's like 2.25 inches tall, 3.5 inches wide, and 1 inch thick. It's a lot bigger than your tiny little cock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Jojoba Oil, Avocado Oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eActivated Bamboo Charcoal\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oils: Lemongrass, Teatree, Basil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eAll Acceptable Soap bars are made using the cold-process method. Lye is used in saponification — it is fully consumed in the reaction. You're not rubbing harmful chemicals on your body. Relax.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n  \u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Tea Tree | Lemongrass","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":43592180695097,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/BBC-FRONT.jpg?v=1764222975"},{"product_id":"salty-seaman","title":"Salty Seaman","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 5px 5px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Crisp · Clean · Herbacious\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eIt's late at night, and the Salty Seaman is hunched over the bar, nursing his tenth shot of rum. His weathered face tells a thousand tales of stormy seas and narrow escapes from death. He regales the bar patrons with stories of sirens and sea monsters, each tale more unbelievable than the last. The crowd is captivated, hanging on his every word, even though they suspect he's full of it. But tonight, no one cares about the truth; they're here for the entertainment.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAs the night wears on, the Seaman’s stories become darker, revealing the haunted memories that plague his sleep. He speaks of shipmates lost to the depths and the crushing loneliness of the open sea. His eyes, once bright with the thrill of adventure, now reflect a deep sadness. The bar falls silent, the patrons no longer laughing but listening intently. In that moment, the Seaman isn't just a storyteller; he's a tragic hero, baring his soul to a room full of strangers.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEventually, he finishes his drink and stands up, swaying slightly. With a final, somber toast to the sea, he stumbles out into the night, leaving the bar in a pensive silence. The patrons slowly return to their conversations, but the Seaman’s stories linger in their minds. He may be a drunk with a penchant for tall tales, but tonight, he was also a reminder of the sacrifices and sorrows that come with a life spent chasing the horizon.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eDescription:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a bar of soap. Its rectangular. This one's a creamy white. There's none of that stupid textured top bullshit. You use it to clean yourself you disgusting shit-heel. It weighs about 4.1 ounces, it's like 2.25 inches tall, 3.5 inches wide, and 1 inch thick. It's a lot bigger than your tiny little cock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSalt water fresh from the fucking Pacific Ocean, Kaolin Clay\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oils: Sage, Rosemary, Eucalyptus\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\n  \u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eAll Acceptable Soap bars are made using the cold-process method. Lye is used in saponification — it is fully consumed in the reaction. You're not rubbing harmful chemicals on your body. Relax.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n  \u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Sage | Rosemary","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":43592198225977,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/SALTY-SEAMAN-FRONT.jpg?v=1764264004"},{"product_id":"wood","title":"Wood","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 5px 5px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Woodsy · Earthy · Grounded\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eThere’s nothing quite like the feeling of some solid wood in your hand. The kind that shows up uninvited, ready to stand tall, pulsing with the promise of power. You never know when you might wake up with some morning wood, the kind that makes you feel alive. You stretch, yawn, and marvel at its strength—almost makes you proud.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAs the day goes on, you try to keep it under control. Sometimes it’s the simplest things—a soft breeze, a subtle brush against the fabric of your pants. You do your best to hide it, shove it under your belt, but it’s got a mind of its own. Suddenly, you’re out in public, and there it is, poking out like a flagpole in a stiff wind.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut there’s no shame in it. Wood is natural, primal. The world runs on wood, metaphorically speaking. It’s a sign of life, vigor, and unbridled enthusiasm. Some people see it as a problem to be solved, but not you. You embrace it, wear it like a badge of honor. Wood isn’t just a state of mind—it’s a way of life.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eDescription:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a bar of soap. Its rectangular. This one's yellowy cream-ish. There's none of that stupid textured top bullshit. You use it to clean yourself you disgusting shit-heel. It weighs about 4.1 ounces, it's like 2.25 inches tall, 3.5 inches wide, and 1 inch thick. It's a lot bigger than your tiny little cock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Avocado Oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKaolin Clay\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oils: Cedar, Pine, Fir, Patchouli, Sandalwood\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Cedar | Fir","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":43762106728505,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/WOOD-FRONT.jpg?v=1764225273"},{"product_id":"goat-fucker","title":"Goat Fucker","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 10px 14px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Warm · Woody · Citrus\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\n\u003cp\u003eYou’ve been to every pet store, every shelter, and every godforsaken farm within a hundred miles, but nothing compares to the way this goat looks at you from the pen. She’s got eyes like melted caramel and a bleat that makes your heart skip a beat. You’re standing there, slack-jawed, as the farmer explains that she’s not for sale. But you know this is destiny. A forbidden romance waiting to blossom. So, you slip him an extra hundred and walk away with your new best friend.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBack at your place, things get intense. She’s nibbling at the sofa, and you’re nervously playing with your hands. You want to make a move but don't know how. You decide to start slow. You pop open a bottle of wine and pour yourself a glass. For her, a big bowl of fresh alfalfa. You turn on some Barry White and dim the lights, trying to set the mood. She doesn’t seem impressed, but you know it takes time. You both sip and chew in silence, the tension between you thick enough to cut with a knife.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDays go by, and you’re both inseparable. You take her to the park, to the movies, even to meet your mother, who is, understandably, concerned. She gives you that look—the one that says, “What the hell are you doing with a goat?” But you don’t care. Love is love, and you’re in deep. You lie in bed at night, her by your side, thinking about the future: a little farm somewhere, maybe a few baby goats. The possibilities are endless. And as you drift off to sleep, you know that nothing in this world has ever felt so right.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eDescription:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a bar of soap. Its rectangular. This one's dark tan. There's none of that stupid textured top bullshit. You use it to clean yourself you disgusting shit-heel. It weighs about 4.1 ounces, it's like 2.25 inches tall, 3.5 inches wide, and 1 inch thick. It's a lot bigger than your tiny little cock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Avocado Oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGoat Milk, Colloidal Oatmeal, Kaolin Clay\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oils: Amyris, Tangerine\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Amyris | Tangerine","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":43762282168377,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/GOAT-FUCKER-FRONT.jpg?v=1764177472"},{"product_id":"satans-asshole","title":"Satan's Asshole","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 10px 14px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Medicinal · Icy · Intense\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eThe descent was longer than the brochure promised. You are standing in the basement of the universe where the laws of physics have finally given up. It is a place of absolute contradiction. The walls are weeping with a frost that should not exist this close to the core. The air is heavy and sharp and it carries the weight of every lie ever told in a cold sweat. It is a landscape of orange embers trapped in black glass.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere is no sulfur here. That was a marketing myth. Instead the atmosphere is clinical and punishing. It smells like a medicinal winter. It is a piercing frozen spice that hits the back of your throat and stays there like a haunting. It is the scent of an ancient apothecary that was swallowed by a glacier. It is an aggressive medicinal chill that suggests the devil does not want to burn you. He wants to preserve your failures in ice.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen the air hits you it feels like a riot. It is a numbing biting sensation that makes you forget where you end and the room begins. It is an ice bath in a burning building. You are not here to relax. You are here to endure a coldness so absolute it feels like a fresh start. Step back into the light feeling like you just crawled out of a frozen shipwreck.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"story-label\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWHAT'S IN IT\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"ingredients-grid\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"ingredient-group\"\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eBase oils (saponified)\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eOlive oil\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCoconut oil\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eShea butter\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvocado oil\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"ingredient-group\"\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eEssential oils\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCamphor\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCajeput\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePeppermint\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClove\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"ingredient-group\"\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eActives \u0026amp; clays\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMenthol crystals\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eActivated charcoal\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eKaolin clay\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAnnatto powder\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"ingredient-group\"\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWHAT WE \u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"\u003eDIDN'T\u003c\/span\u003e FUCKING PUT IN IT:\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSynthetic detergents\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSulphates\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eArtificial fragrance\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eParabens\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Camphor | Peppermint","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":45205531263033,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/SATANS-ASSHOLE-FRONT.jpg?v=1764138521"},{"product_id":"gods-vagina","title":"God's Vagina","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n  .bundle-nudge {\n    align: center;\n    background: var(--accent-dim);\n    border: 1px solid black;\n    border-radius: 4px;\n    padding: 5px 5px;\n    font-size: 16px;\n    color: var(--accent);\n    margin-bottom: 28px;\n    font-family: 'DM Mono', monospace;\n    line-height: 1.5;\n  }\n  .fast-facts {\n    align: center;\n    border: 1px dotted black;\n    padding-left: 2px;\n    padding-right: 2px;\n    font-size:12px;\n    color:var(--muted);\n    font-family:'DM Mono',monospace;\n    line-height:1.5;\n  }\n  \u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv style=\"display:flex; gap:10px; flex-wrap:wrap;\"\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eMETHOD\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Cold-process\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eWEIGHT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        ~110g\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eSCENT\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Calming · Soothing · Sweet\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n      \u003cdiv class=\"fast-facts\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n        \u003cdiv style=\"color:var(--accent); font-size:11px; letter-spacing:0.08em; margin-bottom:3px;\"\u003e\u003cb\u003eUSE\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n        Body · Hands · External only\n      \u003c\/div\u003e\n    \u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"1\"\u003eIt's 4:00 AM in a Garden of Eden that has not been mowed in a millennium. You are wandering through waist high lavender fields and tripping over discarded harps and half eaten apples while looking for the exit. Suddenly the clouds part and a beam of pure ultraviolet light hits you right in the face. It does not smell like incense or old hymnals. It smells like the beginning of time. It is floral and sharp and slightly intimidating.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"2\"\u003eThis is not your grandmothers relaxing lavender bullshit. This is the scent of a cosmic oversight. It is the aroma of the Big Bang if it happened in a high end apothecary. We blended calming Lavender with the citrusy bite of Bergamot to create a scent profile so divine it is borderline blasphemous.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"3\"\u003eYou are not just washing your neck. You are baptizing your mistakes in a lather that is far too good for someone like you. It is soft and floral and probably the closest you will ever get to a state of grace. Scrub yourself clean of that existential dread and walk out of the shower smelling like the creators favorite secret.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eIngredients:\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince you're such a fucking pussy and need to know every goddamn detail 🙄\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSaponified: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Avocado Oil\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eChamomile Powder, Kaolin Clay\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEssential Oils: Lavender, Vanilla, Ylang Ylang, Bergamot\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"bundle-nudge\" align=\"center\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBuy 4 bars, get the 5th free. Any fucking ones you want.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFree shipping over $50.\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Lavender | Vanilla","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":45247699320889,"sku":null,"price":8.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0669\/2074\/2969\/files\/GODS-VAGINA-FRONT-LAVENDER-VANILLA.jpg?v=1767668346"}],"url":"https:\/\/www.acceptablesoap.com\/collections\/frontpage.oembed","provider":"Acceptable Soap","version":"1.0","type":"link"}